I keep analysing myself.
I try to do it ... everyday.
And what intrigues me is that in certain circumstances ... i totally lose control on myself ... acting and actually being ... a devil.
I simple .... explode.
... not being able anymore to calm myself ... even if i want that.
I actually act on the stage of life ... like a time bomb... but i don't really know when that will happen.
I simply know it happens.
... all the time.
Randomly ... almost without any logic ... but becoming a devil ... again and again ... i ruin all the dynamic of my whole existence.
Yes ...
I would really like to know ... how i could avoid that ... but ...
Maybe ... i don't know enough about myself.
Maybe ... i am not able to clearly analyse those factors which activate the devil from inside of me.
Maybe ... i can't be honest enough with myself.
Or maybe ... i am just incapable of doing it.
Like ... many, many others.
But ... all what i know is that i hate being ... a time bomb.
Yes ... i hate it.
I know the implications.
I know ... what happens next.
I know that ... those "explosions" ruin all.
I know that the people around myself ... had enough of those existential crises of mine.
In fact ... i know they hate those inner devils ... from inside of me.
But ... all is a reflection of the fact ... that i balance between having and not really having the control on myself ... as a human.
Cause ... i don't really know myself.
I can't understand myself.
I can't mentally penetrate those boundaries which defines me as a human being ... and understand this illogic.
So ... life continues.
I look normal ... like the lives of all the others ... but then the devils come out of myself.
Acting ... weird.
... ruining all.
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